A Real Moment

Not that I'm not real with all of you, but I'm just having a moment that I'm just need to write out and get from my head down to paper.

Getting back into a “regular life is hard. I feel as if I am never enough. I can’t spend enough time at work, I can't spend enough time reading or studying my bible. I can’t spend enough time with my family and friends. I can't spend enough time to get my body back into a "healthy shape" meaning I need to gain weight hopefully in the form of muscle. I can't get organized enough, I always seem to be loosing something on a daily basis. This gets very very frustrating! My brain is not good at adjusting to rapidly changing situations. I can't get enough of my errands done. My thoughts are just filled with I can't I can't I can't. I feel guilty when I do "fun things" instead of others. I feel like I am going to be disappointing someone. And maybe I am but I think it's more that I am disappointing myself because my expectations are too high at this present moment.

I remember being told by some of my professors at Harding that I need to learn how to say no sometimes. I told them I did know how to say it in an indirect way, "I can't do it now but I can do it later." I was the chemistry department go to girl. And honestly I don't think I use the word no very often unless it is in regard to my research which happens to be looking at the release of nitric oxide aka NO.

I just am really struggling to find a balance in all of this.

Although it is tough sometimes I do know that God is with me helping me trudge the path to climb this uphill mountain to see the beautiful things that lay ahead if I continue to persevere and trust in him in all situations at all times.

Nothing is set in stone yet

Several weeks back mom and I went to one of the sharing the cancer journey meetings at Poudre Valley Hospital (PVH). There were a couple of college students there promoting Relay For Life (RFL). After they gave their presentation I spoke with them because I was interested in somehow getting involved.

I've only been to one RFL event but I did not stay the entire time so I really don't know what all goes on at them. I know there is food and there is music and people from all different kinds of companies, mostly medical and lots of people in tents. I went to my first meeting the following week. Most of it was talking about donations and who all they had contacted who they still needed to get back with or coming up with new ideas of places. What kind of activities they might have exceterra. And then they started talking about how they didn't have a speaker yet and what kind of speaker they wanted. Did they want a cancer patient young, old, survivor, caregiver, doctor, nutritionalist, motivational, educational, humorous, famous? Several of them put forth that they would prefer some one that was young and going through it. But no one really knew anyone that was going through it other than those that were older. Some of them had fought and won the battle at a younger age but now wasn't going through it. After awhile I slowly raised my hand and quietly at first said if you need someone to give a talk I can, I'd be willing to do it.

Being a speaker or mentor for cancer fighters is something I've been thinking about doing. Maybe I have a talent for this. I've been through it maybe I can help others. Maybe I could travel around the country being a motivational speaker for those going through difficult times.
I enjoy helping others and encouraging them. Some people have said that I should.

But the moment I said it I thought oh my goodness Lord what did I get myself into?! Do I make it funny, emotional, how do I speak to EVERYONE with so many backgrounds, and have them listen and hear what I am saying? I love sharing my story with others and what you have brought me through. But this usually happens with an email, a church group, a small group of people or a one on one basis because some random person was curious about my bald and bumpy head. Also most of these people believe in you. Have faith hope and trust in you. How am I going to be able to speak to such a wide variety of people, will they like what I have to say will they turn to you? Will I turn them away?! I definitely don't want to do that. I want to glorify you in what I say. It wasn't me, it was you and your spirit working in me. Because I sure don't feel like I could have been able to have the attitude I did with your spirit moving in me. Will I be able to defend you and my belief in you? People can ask difficult questions, questions that I haven't even thought of things I don't even remember.

I hadn't heard from them for awhile but was curious about what was happening so emailed the only one I had information for. Got an email back and found out that from their discussions they would like to have me be their speaker for the relay.

I am very very nervous

To all of those reading this I will accept if they ask, and I have a feeling they will. So prayers are needed. I just have this image of Paul on Mars hill addressing the crowd being so bold and allowing the spirit speak through him. I'm sure I'll be having lots of you listen to my speech several times before I give it and get your advice on it.

If you could I would love for you to be there! I am extra very excited and emotional because it just so happens that we, mom Laura and myself, had decided to fly Stephanie up for the weekend to see Wicked. I've seen it and I don't think anyone else has but we all think the music is amazing! But it will be emotional especially with having a portion of my family there.

So the RFL on Saturday April 28th starting at 6:00 p.m. at the student recreational center.
Hope to see you there!

Best Valentine's Day EVER!!!

Hi... I've been very bad at blogging usually I probably am tooo long winded and then never finish. This one will hopefully be shorter.

This weekend I was able to attend my first Rams For Christ retreat to Beaver Meadows up close to red feather lake. It was so beautiful up there and we all had so much fun. I got to go snow tubing for the first time! So much fun!

I got some very sad news about my brain cancer twin and friend Kimberly. She passed away on Friday. It was, and still is, hard but I know that she is with God and she is no longer struggling. I was anxious about myself. I remember when I was first diagnosed with brain cancer, the life expectancy was 5 years, I've had it for 4 years now. But I was so thankful to be around such encouraging people they really helped calm my anxiety. I love you guys! It was a very uplifting time!

I had decided to do my Dr's appt on the 14th of February for 2 main reasons
1) 4 year anniversary of "starting" to figure out what my pain was from. Nerve conduction test (ow pretty much was electrocuted) . I had previously seen a hand specialist and he ordered this test.
2) What a great time I can spend with several different friends who I only see every few weeks. Love them there!

Had a VERY long day! Was out of the house around 8:30 and got to th hospital right on time for my MRI, however they were having issues with getting my insurance to cooperate. Finally around 11:20 I got called back to do the MRI. It was so quick. They just did a scan of my brain 30 minutes instead of an hour and a half. :D

Really enjoyed the Dr's appointment, we've really become close to my neurologist. Told her about Kimberly, we all had teary eyes. But once again reminded that she is in a much better place now (my doctor is a believer (extra :D )) But then got to rejoice at the MRI results, still clean. No apparent tumors no growth not anything out of the ordinary. BIG BIG BIG smile. My Dr the proceeded to tell me that she wanted to start weaning me off of a couple of my medicines!!!! Still a little leary about it but the goal is to get rid of the cancer completely and let my body replicate like it should! I will still be on my Tarceva which is a growth inhibitor side effects are not bad.

So a wonderful gift from the greatest man in my life. My holy Father who heals. Greatest valentines gift ever. I don't think any man would be able to top this. Good luck future men in my life.

Got another surprise when I got to the infusion center. All the patients in the infusion center were given a bag full of fun stuff! from project valentine. They do it for those who are having to spend their day at the hospital. They had guys bags and girls bags, my bag had several different kinds of chocolate, sweet tarts (the ones that say be mine etc) gift cards to village inn, word search book, journal, note pad and pens, pillow cover, scarf, a couple pairs of beautiful earrings, a hope keychain, a love charm, soap, pedicure kit, chap stick. The guys got some of the same things but got a cap, water bottle and other stuff  in place of the girly stuff. My favorite was that in each bag there were several valentines card from random people of all ages. It was so sweet I want to get involved!

www.projectvalentine.org

I got to speak with a nutritionalist today I'm down to 103 lbs way too low for me! But it's been hard to really gain weight when my taste buds have changed and I never seem to know what I'm crazing and what is not too overwhelming for my tongue. So got some nutritional supplements to help gain some healthy weight. Also got some good advice on how to make modifications to the things I eat to give me more calories.

Had a wonderful blessed day but can't help but still think of Kimberly and how she has left this world and how I'm still here to continue my journey with Him. He was ready to bring Kimberly into eternal home and His loving arms a place I will like to be when He has finished His will for me!

Please pray for Kimberly's family for peace, comfort, encouragement, and confidence in God's love. I've heard from several people that it's harder for a parent to lose a child than an adult to   lose their elderly parents. No matter the circumstance losing a loved one will always be hard. My hope is that when He calls one of His children home that the family knows that they are with the most loving Father, they are in the best hands. And you just have the hope to meet them there same day.

Love God! Believe in His Son and the salvation that came through his death and his resurrection. Surrender to HIM and trust HIM. He has great plans for you!

I LOVE YOU ALL!
Happy day of love, be sure to share it everyday. Let people know as often as possible!

My Dad visits... a post I should have added a while back

For the past month or so my dad and my moms friend Donna have been going back and forth on coming up to colorado for a visit. Finally on Wednesday they decided to come up! YEAH!

Friday we met up in Denver (Donna, dad, me, mom, and Laura) and went out to dinner together at a restaurant that Laura liked and thought would work for everyone. It was an Italian restaurant. Well it was too spicy for me :( which I am getting slightly used to by now. Not exactly having any fun with it, chocolate doesn't taste the same anymore. I'll eat just a little bit of it and end up saying to myself "well that wasn't worth it :/ " 

My Dad is very adventurous although you might not be able to notice it just looking at him. He still rides roller coasters even the ones that go upside down, he has all these projects that he dreams up, he comes up with his own games to teach us. He likes bikes, and this is where the story comes in. While we were at the Smith's their two sons and a neighbor kid decided to make bike ramps and my dad decided he wanted to try it too. So picture this, a 6 foot 2 inch man on a bike made for an 8 year old. Funny already right? To cut to the chase they built a ramp up onto the trampoline and my dad tried to give it a go. He's an entertaining one, he is!

I think my favorite part while my dad was here was when we went on a walk together and just talked. I miss him a lot and it was so good to get to be there right along side him. 

It was also really fun because I brought up a puzzle and we all put it together. I like puzzles and I need to get something because I can't leave a puzzle on our kitchen table for a week slowly working on it.

Sunday we went to church in Lakewood to meet up with some friends of mine from Fort Collins who have  moved to the Denver area. We were going to fix them lunch after church and they were going to meet us up there. Well I like to talk to people so after I told Sara and Michael good bye I started talking to Kelsey's mom and the preacher in the lobby. After awhile I noticed that there was no body else in the church besides us and another man. I tried calling but none of them would answer. I felt like a child lost in a grocery. Thankfully Kelsey's mom gave me a ride up to the Smith's house, and even made it there before my dad and Laura did!

Dad if you are reading this, LOVE YOU BEAT YOU!

It was hard to say goodbye :*( See you at Christmas! 

September appointment

Infusion
Mom and I spent a long time at the hospital on Tuesday. First off my nurse needed to help another nurse who was having problems with getting a stick on an older gentlemen. Caitlin (my nurse) got me on the first try on old faithful, but we stayed in our little cubicle until my mom started trying to peek over the top. Guess that meant that chat time was over.

After I got my blood drawn, we made our way to infusion got my weight taken and went back to my chair. They know me so well Justin (another nurse) came back with a heated blanket and a pillow and said I'm still looking for the heating pad. They couldn't find it so they got another blanket and wrapped my arms up in it. My infusionista told me they had my avastin already prepared for me! They were on top of things Woo Hoo.... temporarily. Well I have lost a significant amount of weight since they last calculated the dosage for my infusion and my nurse noticed that it was more than 10% too high. Needless to say it took almost two hours to finally have my infusion.

Other than that, things went smoothly. The nurses and the doctors there are great!

ONE DAY MORE!

For those of you who don't know, One Day More comes from the musical Les Mesirables which is a play based on the book by Victor Hugo. I haven't read the book, I own it but never got around to reading it. I've been really excited to see it, I've had to wait a very very very long time. We purchased the tickets back in December of 2010. In February, when my doctor told me the bad news regarding my cancer, I was afraid that I might not even be able to make it to the show. But as I reflect on it now, even if I did not have cancer I might not have made it. Life is unpredictable we never know what is going to happen in our lives.

So I am very thankful that God kept blessing me with One Day More, which is one of the themes of the book. I went in to the show not knowing much about the story line but I was very pleasantly surprised at how one of the central theme was forgiveness. Being forgiven and forgiving others. When I first got to the theatre I wasn't feeling all that well and I had a headache but after the show was over I realized "I feel good! I don't have a headache!" I think it's amazing how God can use so many kinds of media. I feel that He has been relaxing and rejuvinating me through through the art therapy class I have been attending along with the the play. I like using that portion of my brain.

I had an appointment with my oncologist on Tuesday nothing too exciting except for the fact that... NO MORE STEROIDS!!!!!! I GET MY FACE BACK!!!! I am going to have to wean off them, but they are going to be going away Lord willing, most of it depends on how I feel as I am taking myself off of them. It was a long day. My appointment was at 2 and I knew I would be having my lomustine and that I would need to take it on an empty stomach therefore I ate lunch around 11:30 before we left for Denver. Well we got there and I didn't get to see the doctor until after 3 and it was close to 4 before we made it over to infusion and my anti-nausea. I then had to wait 30 minutes to take the lomustine, after I took the lomustine and had to wait at least an hour to eat. I was done with my infusion and I was hungry! It was about time for rush hour traffic and we had an hour to get to the Smith's.

On our way up to Wanda and Stacey's I found out that Laura and I had a miscommunication that would end up changing the plans that I had made for the week. I was done with it, I didn't want to think anymore, I didn't want to plan anymore, I was silent not knowing what to think or do. I had to stop, I needed to stop going towards something being so unsure of what was going to happen. I was hungry, I was tired, I wanted to stop moving. Mom pulled off the highway so we could collect our thoughts and figure out what to do. Got in touch with the Smith's and they agreed to take me into Denver on Thursday evening. I am so unbelieveably thankful for this family they are such servants of God willing to help out those in need. They have such great faith and trust in His will for their lives I am also so very impressed by how they are raising their children, they make a wonderful team. They have such great faith and trust in His will for their lives going on one day more.

Wednesday I spent most of my day in an RV up at 8,500 feet. I went walking by myself on one of the trails and took a wrong step, stumbled and rolled down the hill a little bit. I was scared and I can still remember the swirls of debris that went by in those couple of seconds. I am so very thankful that I was fine and no scratches or bruises. However I ended up getting dirt all down in my jeans, it was not very fun climbing back up the hill. I think next time I will bring a walking stick and wear spandex.

While I was in Denver we went to visit the botanical gardens. They had such beautiful flowers from around the world. I was once again awed by the degree of intricacy that God has but into His creation. How there can be so many varieties of the same flower along with coloration. I wish it had not been so hot that day. I did have trouble really enjoying the scenery all around me due to the heat. But I am thankful for the wheel chair that they carted me around in so that I didn't have to wear myself out too much.

As Laura and I were driving up to Fort Collins I wasn't feeling that well so I was trying to do my best to rest. I was looking out my window and I saw a rainbow, a full rainbow, no, two full rainbows, one of which was a reverse rainbow. It was so majestic. I couldn't stop looking at it. God remembers us, He is thinking of us! And then after awhile some clouds came in and to me it looked like there was a dinosaur vomiting up a rainbow. Just take a second and get creative with me. As I kept looking at it and taking pictures it looked as if a dove with rainbow in tow was flying into the mouth or the dinosaur to destroy it.   What amazing symbolism I thought to myself this great big giant beast (Satan) and a beautiful dove (God and a symbol of love) going in to battle with the beast because of His love for us. Every day there are unseen battles between the demons on this earth and with God and his angels for our lives. Fight that battle too against those demons that are speaking lies in our ears. Fight against those demons One More Day. GOD IS VERY NEAR

I forgot how much I loved puzzles. While I was at the doctors waiting mom and I worked on a puzzle. We didn't get it finished :( Well one day Laura and I went to the thrift store and I ended up purchasing 5 puzzles. Mom, Laura and I took the 100 piece puzzles and had a race to see who could finish first. Laura won, she's good!

I was watching the track and field world championships earlier this week. It is amazing to see how fast they can run, how they push themselves. How amazing God is in how He fashioned our bodies, that they can accomplish such feats. The athletes have really conditioned themselves to prepare for this race. Even though not every one is an athlete we still need to train like one. We need to condition our heart, mind and spirit to finish this race called life so that we can cross underneath those pearly gates to hear Him say those beautiful words well done my good and faithful servant.  I've seen several people take some stumbles but they get back up and continue their pursuits. No matter the outcomes they are ready for One Day More of training to reach for their goal.

I have pictures but I've been trying for almost two hours now to edit them which I was able to figure out how to do some of it but not all I wanted to but then I could not figure out how to get them uploaded on here. I am very frustrated right now.... grrrrrr..... pictures will come eventually... I am moving on to my next task for the day!

What I've been up to

I'm trying to get myself back into a version of my old normal. I want to believe that I can get back to that but at the same time cancer changes you and your priorities. I hope that I can get into a better normal!


As many of you know I used to love love love running I would run several miles a day. My favorite was to run outside on trails, I really do not enjoy treadmills. I also remember that after my first spinal cord surgery I was running again within two months. I wanted to be up and moving and I did it and got back into the to gym to build up my strength. All of this was very relaxing and made me feel good from the inside out. Running was especially a wonderful time because I spent the time praying and asking Him to give me the strength to finish my goal and to never give up. Also there was a time I was running at night and I was at least another half mile from my house and I started hearing the coyotes howling. I was scared and was sprinting so extremely fast to make it home praying with every breath I took!


Well as for the new normal regarding exercise (currently) running has been out of the picture for a couple of  years =( I did have a spell for about 6 months where I was able to go to the gym but not near the intensity that I used to be able to. Right now my exercising is done for the most part at home in maybe 5 minute increments. I have 3 lb weights, a 4 lb medicine ball, stairs, a jump rope and now a bike which I have had at the Freis house for probably 3 years. I'm not sure if the bike is going to work but went ahead purchased a pump and helmet the most comfortable one they had! As for running, it is too jarring for me =( Plus something that makes me sad is that I can't handle being outside in the heat for too long. But the positive thing is that I am working on my health by doing what little I can. My cancer twin told me about how Miramont fitness allows a free 6 month membership for cancer patients. I called earlier this morning and hope to hear from them soon.


As for friends I used to have people over at my house for movies, games or food several times a year I also lead a Bible study for awhile. Before I would be able to go to the events that they would plan, I was very involved with the college group and would be at most of the studies and events. For a long time I knew about what was going on but as I got deeper into my treatment and people would call to hang out I would have to tell them no because I wasn't feeling well enough to go out. Eventually those calls basically stopped. It was sad and I really missed those relationships. It was very difficult for me to want to call up someone and have them over because I did not feel well and I didn't feel like doing anything so I felt like there was no point. I realize now that I wish I had kept up with those relationships and I'm trying to build them back up.


So that is something that I am trying to get back into. I've been inviting people over for dinner and movies. I've also been looking for free things we all can go out and do together. There are a lot of free things in the summer some of it requires more driving than I am willing to do but I suggest that anyone who is bored spend some time on the internet or look in your local paper for events you will be surprised at what you find. Below is Cherelle, Kelsey and my mom at centerra waiting to watch how to train your dragon. The movie was free and they also provided free popcorn and cotton candy!

I've also been making reading my Bible a priority along with my prayer journal. I temporary lost it while I was in Missouri and I was very sad. It has a lot of emotions and fears along with praises in it. Sometimes it's easier to be able to write out something than to tell someone about what's going on. And it is something I can go back and look at to see how far I've come over the years. 


One of the most recent things I have started is art therapy. I've always enjoyed art and crafty things and wanted to be able to paint and draw and do artsy things like my little sister does. I also love going to different art galleries and seeing the beautiful photos and art work. Just a quick promotion every first friday of the month the is a free art walk in old town with music and snack foods at the galleries. Instead of buying cards and gift bags I design my own, although I am still sending out store bought cards most of the time. I have them so I might as well use them! 


Another thing that I have started doing is going to support groups. I always thought about going but at the same time I was scared to go by myself. I used to be very out going. I still am outgoing but it's different mostly because it is regarding my health. I don't mind talking about my health it just can sometimes get to the point that I talk about it too much, it keeps my mind focused on the fact that I have cancer. I'm in absolutely in no way saying stop asking about my health, I am more than happy to tell you and I love being able to tell you about the healing that God is doing in me, but just ask me something else about my life also. There are several things that I do and am excited about. I'm living through cancer and enjoying it because I am living!!!