A Real Moment

Not that I'm not real with all of you, but I'm just having a moment that I'm just need to write out and get from my head down to paper.

Getting back into a “regular life is hard. I feel as if I am never enough. I can’t spend enough time at work, I can't spend enough time reading or studying my bible. I can’t spend enough time with my family and friends. I can't spend enough time to get my body back into a "healthy shape" meaning I need to gain weight hopefully in the form of muscle. I can't get organized enough, I always seem to be loosing something on a daily basis. This gets very very frustrating! My brain is not good at adjusting to rapidly changing situations. I can't get enough of my errands done. My thoughts are just filled with I can't I can't I can't. I feel guilty when I do "fun things" instead of others. I feel like I am going to be disappointing someone. And maybe I am but I think it's more that I am disappointing myself because my expectations are too high at this present moment.

I remember being told by some of my professors at Harding that I need to learn how to say no sometimes. I told them I did know how to say it in an indirect way, "I can't do it now but I can do it later." I was the chemistry department go to girl. And honestly I don't think I use the word no very often unless it is in regard to my research which happens to be looking at the release of nitric oxide aka NO.

I just am really struggling to find a balance in all of this.

Although it is tough sometimes I do know that God is with me helping me trudge the path to climb this uphill mountain to see the beautiful things that lay ahead if I continue to persevere and trust in him in all situations at all times.

Nothing is set in stone yet

Several weeks back mom and I went to one of the sharing the cancer journey meetings at Poudre Valley Hospital (PVH). There were a couple of college students there promoting Relay For Life (RFL). After they gave their presentation I spoke with them because I was interested in somehow getting involved.

I've only been to one RFL event but I did not stay the entire time so I really don't know what all goes on at them. I know there is food and there is music and people from all different kinds of companies, mostly medical and lots of people in tents. I went to my first meeting the following week. Most of it was talking about donations and who all they had contacted who they still needed to get back with or coming up with new ideas of places. What kind of activities they might have exceterra. And then they started talking about how they didn't have a speaker yet and what kind of speaker they wanted. Did they want a cancer patient young, old, survivor, caregiver, doctor, nutritionalist, motivational, educational, humorous, famous? Several of them put forth that they would prefer some one that was young and going through it. But no one really knew anyone that was going through it other than those that were older. Some of them had fought and won the battle at a younger age but now wasn't going through it. After awhile I slowly raised my hand and quietly at first said if you need someone to give a talk I can, I'd be willing to do it.

Being a speaker or mentor for cancer fighters is something I've been thinking about doing. Maybe I have a talent for this. I've been through it maybe I can help others. Maybe I could travel around the country being a motivational speaker for those going through difficult times.
I enjoy helping others and encouraging them. Some people have said that I should.

But the moment I said it I thought oh my goodness Lord what did I get myself into?! Do I make it funny, emotional, how do I speak to EVERYONE with so many backgrounds, and have them listen and hear what I am saying? I love sharing my story with others and what you have brought me through. But this usually happens with an email, a church group, a small group of people or a one on one basis because some random person was curious about my bald and bumpy head. Also most of these people believe in you. Have faith hope and trust in you. How am I going to be able to speak to such a wide variety of people, will they like what I have to say will they turn to you? Will I turn them away?! I definitely don't want to do that. I want to glorify you in what I say. It wasn't me, it was you and your spirit working in me. Because I sure don't feel like I could have been able to have the attitude I did with your spirit moving in me. Will I be able to defend you and my belief in you? People can ask difficult questions, questions that I haven't even thought of things I don't even remember.

I hadn't heard from them for awhile but was curious about what was happening so emailed the only one I had information for. Got an email back and found out that from their discussions they would like to have me be their speaker for the relay.

I am very very nervous

To all of those reading this I will accept if they ask, and I have a feeling they will. So prayers are needed. I just have this image of Paul on Mars hill addressing the crowd being so bold and allowing the spirit speak through him. I'm sure I'll be having lots of you listen to my speech several times before I give it and get your advice on it.

If you could I would love for you to be there! I am extra very excited and emotional because it just so happens that we, mom Laura and myself, had decided to fly Stephanie up for the weekend to see Wicked. I've seen it and I don't think anyone else has but we all think the music is amazing! But it will be emotional especially with having a portion of my family there.

So the RFL on Saturday April 28th starting at 6:00 p.m. at the student recreational center.
Hope to see you there!

Best Valentine's Day EVER!!!

Hi... I've been very bad at blogging usually I probably am tooo long winded and then never finish. This one will hopefully be shorter.

This weekend I was able to attend my first Rams For Christ retreat to Beaver Meadows up close to red feather lake. It was so beautiful up there and we all had so much fun. I got to go snow tubing for the first time! So much fun!

I got some very sad news about my brain cancer twin and friend Kimberly. She passed away on Friday. It was, and still is, hard but I know that she is with God and she is no longer struggling. I was anxious about myself. I remember when I was first diagnosed with brain cancer, the life expectancy was 5 years, I've had it for 4 years now. But I was so thankful to be around such encouraging people they really helped calm my anxiety. I love you guys! It was a very uplifting time!

I had decided to do my Dr's appt on the 14th of February for 2 main reasons
1) 4 year anniversary of "starting" to figure out what my pain was from. Nerve conduction test (ow pretty much was electrocuted) . I had previously seen a hand specialist and he ordered this test.
2) What a great time I can spend with several different friends who I only see every few weeks. Love them there!

Had a VERY long day! Was out of the house around 8:30 and got to th hospital right on time for my MRI, however they were having issues with getting my insurance to cooperate. Finally around 11:20 I got called back to do the MRI. It was so quick. They just did a scan of my brain 30 minutes instead of an hour and a half. :D

Really enjoyed the Dr's appointment, we've really become close to my neurologist. Told her about Kimberly, we all had teary eyes. But once again reminded that she is in a much better place now (my doctor is a believer (extra :D )) But then got to rejoice at the MRI results, still clean. No apparent tumors no growth not anything out of the ordinary. BIG BIG BIG smile. My Dr the proceeded to tell me that she wanted to start weaning me off of a couple of my medicines!!!! Still a little leary about it but the goal is to get rid of the cancer completely and let my body replicate like it should! I will still be on my Tarceva which is a growth inhibitor side effects are not bad.

So a wonderful gift from the greatest man in my life. My holy Father who heals. Greatest valentines gift ever. I don't think any man would be able to top this. Good luck future men in my life.

Got another surprise when I got to the infusion center. All the patients in the infusion center were given a bag full of fun stuff! from project valentine. They do it for those who are having to spend their day at the hospital. They had guys bags and girls bags, my bag had several different kinds of chocolate, sweet tarts (the ones that say be mine etc) gift cards to village inn, word search book, journal, note pad and pens, pillow cover, scarf, a couple pairs of beautiful earrings, a hope keychain, a love charm, soap, pedicure kit, chap stick. The guys got some of the same things but got a cap, water bottle and other stuff  in place of the girly stuff. My favorite was that in each bag there were several valentines card from random people of all ages. It was so sweet I want to get involved!

www.projectvalentine.org

I got to speak with a nutritionalist today I'm down to 103 lbs way too low for me! But it's been hard to really gain weight when my taste buds have changed and I never seem to know what I'm crazing and what is not too overwhelming for my tongue. So got some nutritional supplements to help gain some healthy weight. Also got some good advice on how to make modifications to the things I eat to give me more calories.

Had a wonderful blessed day but can't help but still think of Kimberly and how she has left this world and how I'm still here to continue my journey with Him. He was ready to bring Kimberly into eternal home and His loving arms a place I will like to be when He has finished His will for me!

Please pray for Kimberly's family for peace, comfort, encouragement, and confidence in God's love. I've heard from several people that it's harder for a parent to lose a child than an adult to   lose their elderly parents. No matter the circumstance losing a loved one will always be hard. My hope is that when He calls one of His children home that the family knows that they are with the most loving Father, they are in the best hands. And you just have the hope to meet them there same day.

Love God! Believe in His Son and the salvation that came through his death and his resurrection. Surrender to HIM and trust HIM. He has great plans for you!

I LOVE YOU ALL!
Happy day of love, be sure to share it everyday. Let people know as often as possible!